I’ve been wanting to have this conversation for a long time. My husband — my co-conspirator, business partner and “daddy doula” — has been by my side through every version of birth: hospital, home, cesarean, VBAC. He’s seen it all.
We went live to talk about fatherhood, advocacy and what it really means to show up for your partner through birth, postpartum and beyond. What followed was honest, a little silly, and full of gems I wish every expecting couple could hear.
If you missed it, catch the replay above, and below are some highlights from our conversation — Ask a Doula Anything: Daddy Edition.
And thank you Nikki J. Harris, Sherrilyn Parham, Paule Oue and many others for tuning in live! Our next scheduled live will be on the topic of Matrescence with Kyndall Osibodu. Let us know what other topics you’d love to learn about in the comments below. ♥️
Recap
Birth as a Rite of Passage (2:00 – 3:00)
Nkrumah: “I’m very proud of the work that you’re doing with Borne… I really believe that if Black women and Black families are able to reclaim birth as a rite of passage and we’re able to do that outside of the conventional means, then it is an indication that we can do anything… when you think about building a future for our people, this is a vital part of that future — our ability to create life and to do it on our own terms.”
Lindsey: “…birth, pregnancy, postpartum… this is the foundation of our families, of our societies, and how we come into this world really does set the tone for what’s to come.”
Why All Doulas Aren’t Created Equal (9:00 – 10:35)
LF: “You were my doula in my first birth… and we hired a doula for our second and third… do you recommend hiring a doula outside of daddy or partner and why?”
NK: “Do I recommend? First of all, all doulas are not created equal. Don’t hire a bum… you’re better off fending for yourself. I believe that the role of the doula is a communal role… traditionally held by the sisters and the aunties in your community. But [now we have to hire everybody…] because we don’t have community in the same way anymore… and it is a very, very important piece. If you could imagine just the comfort of having a sister who has been through the process… it just makes a great deal of difference — particularly in a hospital setting — because when you’re dealing with an institution, you definitely need advocates to represent your interests.”
Birth Is Magic — Protect the Birth Space (11:40 – 14:45)
LF: “That’s actually a question I have — what does it look like to protect that [hospital] space during birth?”
NK: “First of all, I think one of the most important things that would empower women is to claim their power. When you’re about to have a child, this is your process, it’s your pregnancy, it’s your labor, it’s your birth experience…nobody is going to do it for you. It is something that must be done, that you have to do yourself. And thus, you should have everything the way that you want it.
Dad’s role [particularly in a hospital setting] is to advocate for the wishes and intentions of the mother while her mind is doing the work of bringing a baby to the earth. When you’re birthing in a hospital setting, [the staff is] going to try to guide the process in their interest, and dad’s role in that context is to say ‘no’ a lot, according to what mom has said that she wants. It’s very important to be clear about what your intentions are before you get in the midst of it, so that your advocates: your partner, your doula, whoever else is there with you, can hold the line.
So many things that are optional, are presented as though they’re required. And you have to have the presence of mind to say, ‘Nah.’ ‘Not right now.’”
LF: “What you’re speaking to, too, is education… [For a partner] to show up on game day and you didn’t do any of your due diligence, you don’t know what any of the procedures are, you don’t know what the process entails… you’re not going to feel like you can protect or you can speak up because you don’t know shit. So I think a big part of that is being engaged throughout the process, and dealing with your own fear and baggage.”
Home Birth: The Real Home Court Advantage (18:10 – 20:00)
LF: “What do you think about approaching a situation where the mother wants to birth out of hospital and father is like, hell no?”
NK: “Well, it goes back to the first thing I said, which is this is the mama’s birth. This is the mama’s pregnancy, so what she wants goes. Now, I would say if you have a misalignment like that, that is a sign of trouble. But at the end of the day, mama’s got to have it her way.
If there’s any debate about birth in hospital or birth at home, the answer is birth at home. I cannot advocate more strongly for that. We learn that they treat pregnancy like a sickness and they treat labor like a medical emergency when these are natural bodily functions. If there’s not illness or trauma, the best, flyest place you could be for this process is the place that you’re the most comfortable, which for most people is at home. And there’s like a hundred reasons why home is the preferred venue, but just to state it simply, it’s home court advantage. You will be the most comfortable there. And hey man, if something goes wrong, that’s what they got ambulances and cars for. Babies have been being born forever in a day, and most of the babies who have ever been born in the history of the world have not been born in hospitals.”
Know Your Rights — Hospital Policy Isn’t Law (20:00 – 24:45)
NK: “I heard a sister say that doctors are to Black women what police are to Black men. And the reason why I bring that up is because when you deal with the police, you have rights, but the police take advantage of your ignorance of the rules and your rights in that scenario. And the exact same thing happens in the hospital. That’s why I said before, they will present things that are options as if they are required, and they will insist on things that are optional as if they are required… as if they’re law.
I would say it’s irresponsible to birth in a hospital and not be up on policy and law where you live. You need to know what the policies of that hospital are. And you need to be prepared to articulate no in French, in Spanish… however many ways you need to be able to say no, you need to be able to stand on it.
An example is they love to hit you with the cervical checks: coming in, putting gloves on…and it’s like, wait a minute. I don’t think my wife wants to be fingered right now… she just wants to relax and do the work that she’s got to do to bring this baby.
So many things that are optional are presented like they are required. And because we got white coat syndrome, you just be like, ‘whatever you want,’ and it’s like, no. It’s irresponsible to deal with any institution and not know the laws and policies that govern your interaction with that institution.”
Don’t Follow the List — Seduce Your Partner (28:10 – 31:15)
LF: “Some providers will say you’re past your due date, here’s the list of things to do to induce labor… and it’s like, the point is not the checklist… the point is the intimacy, the space. They say the same conditions that made the baby are gonna get the baby out.”
NK: “When it’s time to get that baby out, you’re gonna have to seduce that woman… put the woman in a state of relaxation, safety, comfort and pleasure. The body is a pharmacy: one hormone creates a cascade and leads to the next… this opens up that, shifts and then boom, before you know it, we having a baby. It’s really the time to be trying to catch her again.
Why Everyone Is Sleeping on Postpartum (39:20 – 44:40)
LF: “What’s one thing you wish fathers knew more about or more fathers knew about postpartum?”
NK: “Man, I think everybody is sleeping on postpartum. Everyone’s conception and focus on having a baby is the labor part…and so once that is done and everybody’s healthy, it’s almost like all the support kind of just dissipates and it’s like, ‘okay, we did it.’ But, no.
LF: Now you are a family… or a new version of a family… and yeah, it begins.
NK: I would say that for a man, the postpartum period is a time for you to be a servant and a facilitator. You have to figure out how to make it so that this woman doesn’t have to do nothing but build a strong connection with this child. The baby has been in the womb — a part of the mother — and now is outside the mother and must develop that closeness, that anchor with mom.
And so as a father, you need to be taking as much obstruction out of the way as possible. If that is household obligations, do it. Pay for it to get done, call your sisters, call her sisters… Whatever. Get it done. Make sure mama gets some sleep. Because I think a great degree of the dysfunction that happens in postpartum… a lot of it is attributed to sleep deprivation.”
Legacy & Raising Children as Stewardship (47:00 – 49:25)
NK: “Men should not be having children if they don’t want children… these children need to be wanted and desired. I know we be desiring all kinds of stuff, but I desire to architect a family, and children are a very important part of that. And so, you know, my participation in this process and in this journey is not just about the interpersonal between me and you, it’s the service of a mission. Our family is a very powerful family…these children are investments and our service of them and my service of facilitating your process to bring them here is stewardship. And so it’s a values, and a perspective thing. It’s not about me ‘helping you out’ or me doing something nice for you… this is about taking responsibility for my family.”
Birth is not just a mother’s journey — it’s a family initiation. When fathers understand their power to protect, nurture and educate themselves, we all win.
If this conversation spoke to you, share it with a father, brother or friend who’s preparing to walk that road.
